Chocolate with Nuts and Lawyers
by romeocitychicag
Summary: When Matt and Foggy stumble upon an opportunity to become entrepreneurs in this spoof of "Chocolate with Nuts", will they succeed in their endeavor to live fancy?


Chocolate with Nuts and Lawyers

"Foggy, did you get the mail?" Matt asked at their law firm building.

"Yup," he replied. "Let's see what we got. Bill, bill, ad, death threat," Foggy listed off the received mail as he tossed it into the garbage. He stopped when he reached the bottom of the stack. "Hey, a magazine!"

"What is it?" Matt asked.

"It's called Fancy Living." Foggy opened up the magazine. "Wow, these guys are so rich, they have swimming pools in their swimming pools!"

"What are you guys doing with my magazine?" Karen said, who was sitting at her desk and overheard Matt and Foggy talking. She swiped her magazine back from the pair.

"Hey Karen, how do the guys in that magazine get all that money?" Foggy asked.

"They're entrepreneurs!" Karen bitterly answered. "They sell things! Now stop pawing through my mail." she muttered while walking away with her magazine.

"We could do that, Foggy!" Matt exclaimed. "Think about it, if you could have anything in the world right now, what would it be?"

"More time to think." Foggy responded.

"No, something real, like an item, something you'd pay for."

"A chocolate bar."

"That's a great idea Foggy!" Matt said, his arm around his friend. "We'll become traveling chocolate bar salesmen!"

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"Alright Foggy, we'll be fancy living in no time!" Matt cheered while they were walking out of a grocery store, carrying armfuls of chocolate bars.

"Then we can start there." Foggy suggested, pointing to a house in the distance.

The duo walked over to the house's door and Foggy rang the door bell. Matt's mentor Stick answered. "Hello sir. Would you like to buy some chocolate?" Foggy said.

"Chocolate?" Stick asked. "Did you say chocolate?"

"Er, yes." Matt responded.

"CHOCOLATE!" Stick yelled. He started to chase Matt and Foggy as they ran away from him.

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"Okay, that didn't go so well, so we'll start here." Foggy consoled as they traveled to another house's door and knocked.

"What can I do for you two gentleman?" Kingpin answered.

"We're selling chocolate bars." Matt said. "Would you like to buy one?"

"I could, but no self respecting chocolate bar salesman would be caught dead without one of these!" Kingpin pulled out a small orange bag with a zipper. "These chocolate bar carrying cases are designed to cradle each chocolate bar in a velvety cocoon." He started to walk back in his house. "But you guys don't need these."

"No! We need them!" Matt and Foggy said in unison.

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"So long, boys!" Kingpin said, watching Matt and Foggy go with armfuls of chocolate carrying bags.

"Let's go next door." Foggy said. They knocked at the door to find Kingpin answering it again. "Hey, weren't you the same guy in the last house?"

"Never mind that." Kingpin said. "But it looks like you guys have a lot of chocolate bar carrying bags." He pulled out a big red bag identical to the smaller orange ones the two lawyers were holding. "So why not upgrade to using my chocolate bar carrying bag carrying bags?"

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"Wow, that guy was really nice to offer us these bags." Foggy said.

"I can't see them, but I bet they're awesome." Matt replied.

"There's a house up ahead." Foggy informed. They walked up to the door and knocked.

The duo was greeted by a young woman. "And what can I do for you two gentlemen?"

"We're selling chocolate bars." Foggy said. "Would you like to buy one?"

"Chocolate? Okay, I'll take one." The woman said.

"One chocolate bar, coming right up!" Foggy pulled an orange carrying bag from his red one. He unzipped it to find another carrying bag. "This'll just be a moment."

He unzipped other carrying bags to the same result several more times. Matt was feeling for his red bag that he placed on the ground. Foggy finally unearthed a chocolate bar, but the woman had long since closed the door and left.

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"Foggy, are you sad?" Matt asked at the diner they were at. "I feel like you're sad."

"Yeah, I'm sad." Foggy responded, leaning his elbows on the light wood of the booth's table they were sitting at. "I just can't figure out what we're doing wrong."

"I don't know." Matt said. "How did the guy who sold us the carrying bags do it?"

"Wait! I got it!" Foggy exclaimed. "Let's get naked!"

"Were you even paying attention to what I was saying?" Matt scolded. "Besides, we should save that for when our law firm gets bigger. Anyway, I was saying we should figure out how that guy sold us the carrying bags."

"He called us self respecting salesmen." Foggy answered.

"That's it! He made us feel good!" Matt concluded. "We need to do that with our customers! Let's go, Foggy!"

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"Alright, I'll warm them up, them you go in for the kill." Matt said to Foggy. "Got it?"

"The kill. Got it." Foggy replied. He rang the doorbell to find a man answering it. "I love you." he said.

"Is this some kind of joke?" The man said.

"What he means is would you like to buy some chocolate?" Matt intervened.

"Sorry, but chocolate has sugar which turns into bubbling fat." He took a photo out of his back pocket. "This is me at thirteen years old."

"Can I have it?" Foggy asked.

"For five dollars." The man responded.

"I'll take ten."

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"Well, that went horribly!" Matt said.

Foggy was still staring at the photos he purchased. "Huh?"

"What are we gonna do, Foggy?" Matt asked.

"We could stretch the truth," Foggy answered. "Like on that sign right there."

Foggy pointed to a red sign with an advertisement for potato chips. "It says that Hell's Kitchen potato chips are delicious. They most certainly are not delicious, yet they sell millions of bags every day."

"Foggy, I can't see the sign, but I get the point." Matt finished.

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"Remember, stretch the truth." Foggy said. He knocked on the door for it to be answered by Claire.

"Hello?" she said.

"Hello ma'am." Foggy began. "Would you like to buy some chocolate?"

"Chocolate?" A voice inside the house said. "Did they say chocolate?" Her cousin appeared at the doorway.

"Oh no." Claire heaved.

"Oh, sweet chocolate." Her cousin said. "I always hated it!"

"Wait!" Matt yelled. "This chocolate isn't for eating."

"You rub it on your skin, and you'll live forever." Foggy lied.

"Live forever?" Claire's cousin said. "Okay then. I'll take one."

Claire groaned, then handed over the money for a chocolate bar.

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"It'll make you smarter!" Foggy exclaimed.

"Thank God!" Scott Lang said, money in hand.

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"They'll bring world peace!" Matt lied.

"That's amazing!" Hank Pym said. "I'll take ten!"

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"It'll keep you from getting any uglier!" Foggy explained.

"Just in time!" M. O. D. O. K. said.

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"It cured my friend's blindness!" Foggy said.

Matt hurriedly took off his glasses. "Sorry. Force of habit."

"I bet this'll cure my radiation too." Hulk bellowed.

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"You'll rule the world!" Matt yelled.

"I'll take twenty." Thanos said.

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Matt and Foggy showed up to a house dressed in fake bandages, casts, and crutches.

"This is gonna be our best heist yet!" Foggy whispered. He rang the doorbell to find Kingpin in a full body cast and with an IV answering.

"Hello, sir, we need a medical operation." Matt began. "Would you like to buy some chocolate to help pay for it?"

"Some guys have all the luck," Kingpin said. "I was born with glass bones and paper skin. Every morning I break my arms. Every afternoon I break my legs. I thank the powers above for every day I'm alive."

He tripped and fell down the short steps from the house. He looked to be in excruciating pain.

Matt and Foggy hoisted him up together and walked him back into his house.

"Thank you both." Kingpin said. "Anyway, as you could probably see, my medical bills are very expensive. I sell chocolate to pay for them."

Matt and Foggy exchanged looks with each other.

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"Oh, it does my heart good that those two are total suckers!" Kingpin scoffed, laughing and flipping through the money Matt and Foggy paid for his chocolate.

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"I can't believe we bought back our entire stock!" Matt yelled.

"What are we gonna do with it?" Foggy asked.

"Chocolate!" Stick shrieked from the distance, which sent the two running and screaming.

Stick caught up and cornered them. "Finally! I got you where I want you!"

"What are you gonna do to us?" Foggy pleaded.

Stick sucked in a breath. "I would like to buy all of your chocolate."

Matt and Foggy both fell to the ground on their backs. "Thank you for your patronage." Matt plainly said.

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"Fancy living, here we come!" Foggy enthusiastically quipped, pushing a red wheelbarrow filled with dollars and silver coins.

Matt popped up from the profit pile in the wheelbarrow. "First we gotta spend all the money."

"What are we gonna spend all of this on?" Foggy asked.

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"Table for one please." Karen said at the reception of a fancy restaurant.

"Sorry, but the whole restaurant had been rented out to a private party." The waiter informed.

"Who would rent out the whole restaurant?" Karen asked.

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Matt, Foggy, Claire, and her two cousins were all sitting at a table, Matt and Foggy wearing top hats.

"So, how long have you three known each other?" Foggy asked.


End file.
